I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
