I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
