I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
