My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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