i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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