a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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