"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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