i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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