Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
