Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
