Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
