I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
