Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
