Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
