So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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