um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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