i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
