If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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