Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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