so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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