When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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