the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
