cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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