We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
