doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
