I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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