Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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