just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
