If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
