Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
