I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
it hurts more in the daytime
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize