I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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