Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
