Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize