screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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