I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
