Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
