he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you inspire me to be a worse person
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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