Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
