I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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