If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
this hospital has no fireball
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
