Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
