Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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