Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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