WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize