He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
