What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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