Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
