there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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