Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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