I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
