i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
