Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
