But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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