My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
