Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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