I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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