My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
